I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Also send boobie pics with bobs burgers in background its the only way to get me off anymore
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
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