don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
The uberlube is also flammable
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
