real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
whose ass print is on the piano?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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