Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize