cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
he said he only had one rule...that he'd only go down on me 3x a day. so far this is turning into the best relationship ever.
Randomize
