in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You chucked an empty vodka bottle against the wall and yelled "Everyone calm the fuck down, it's just the cops." After 10 seconds of silence I looked over and saw you pissing their fountain.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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