Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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