Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
I'm thinking of having one or both of my boobs out. They're small but they're mighty.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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