saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
So many stories. To uyou are sober. I heart you though. Jesus. Dirrty dancing jusyt came oine!!no. Lie.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
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