Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
There's always time for handjobs
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Randomize
