My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
