I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
So what happened? Or does sex + ramen pretty much cover it?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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