We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
