I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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