The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
Randomize
