You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
