I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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