She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
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