I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
Randomize
