dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
That's good. Don't want to see you bellydancing in prison for homemade wine.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
