Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
Randomize
