How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
