It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I'm like a walking PSA for tequila shots
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
The ONLY place I sext is in my anatomy class. It's an amped up level of playing doctor.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
