So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize