genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Randomize
