I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Everyone says I win the strip club
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Randomize
