You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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