In the future we'll all be gay
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize
