woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
That bar is one yeast infection away from total annihilation.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Dude, the T Swift concert might not be so bad after all. Can you say milfs living vicariously through their teenage daughters? Score.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize