I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
Randomize
