He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
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