I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize