My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
