How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
