I heard we made out
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I can't imagine a friend I would rather lose my virginity to in a threesome.
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