I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He shit in the fireplace
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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