You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
making cat noises will not fix the situation.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
