how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.
Glad to hear you raised your standards
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Apparently he's taking the slut he cheated on me with on a cruise for her birthday. THAT COULD HAVE BEEN ME. TITANTIC STYLE.
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
He was laying on a lawn chair, fell off onto his stomach and asked, "where'd the stars go?" That high.
Randomize
