Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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