Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
