god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can't believe just smoked out of a pear
I can't believe you had a pear already made to smoke out of, that was impressive
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
