Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I think I won over his best friend. He was staring at my boobs all night.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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