all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Randomize
