hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
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