o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
Randomize
