is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize