I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Randomize
