i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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