Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
