I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
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