went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
drunk me cartwheeled over a turtle sandbox & slit my foot open on a cinder block. how do you explain that to a doctor?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
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