Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
