Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize