lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
Randomize
