I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
Randomize
