On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Randomize
