Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
we made margaritas with slurpies from 7-11 and beer.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
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