I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
you asked me how to turn on the ladder
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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