I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
