i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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