If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
