The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
Randomize
