I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
