If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
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