That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.
Apparently hers is a theme park.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
Randomize