You make homosexuality sound like a cult.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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