I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I just blew my weed a kiss
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
