2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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