1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
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