Seeya bye Latvian government! Whammy!
i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
