Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
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