i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
