When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese
Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?
I love you bro
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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